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Worst or Best Wedding DJ Ever



Thanks to my friend, Lindy Gomez who sent me this.
It ALMOST makes me like Genesis. Damn, I love her expression of stone-faced-abuse-taking.

Shows shows shows!!!

Please come see me in shows this weekend!

- DEATH BY ROO ROO: Your F'ed Up Family 
Take an improvised journey into your family’s dysfunction... Did your Dad try to kill your Mom’s boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Roo Roo West take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.

"Some of the raunchiest and funniest improv in town." -LA Weekly

EVERY FRIDAY at 9:30 PM
Tickets here
UCB LA
5919 Franklin Ave Hollywood, CA 90028

- THE MISMATCH GAME
MatchGame as it was intended to be...I'll be playing Elizabeth Taylor's Twitter account at the MisMatch Game. (If you haven't seen it, treat yourself at Twitter.com/DameElizabeth)

SATURDAY at 8PM
Tickets here
 LA Gay and Lesbian Center

1625 N. Schrader Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA  90028-6213


- WORST LAID PLANS: Book Release Show!
Saturday at 10 PM
Tickets here

When bad sex happens to good people...there's no recourse like disclosure. This very special episode of Worst Laid Plans will feature some seriously funny bedroom bloopers in celebration of the Worst Laid Plans book release! Books will be available for purchase and signing.

UCB LA
5919 Franklin Ave Hollywood, CA 90028

And you can buy the book on Amazon here

Sports Illustrated: Illustrating My Nightmares

This may be the worst SI cover in the history of all mankind. Look at this shit. HOW LAME IS THIS? This cover makes me ask so many questions:

- Is Mariano Rivera a Palm Springs housewife?
- Who is Andy Petite blowing a fart at?
- Is Derek Jeter so impressed with his fragrance (Avon presents Derek Jeter's "Driven") that he doesn't have to be a part of this tomfoolery?
- WHY IS JOSE "NO NUTS" POSADA A KNEE-TOUCHER?

Seriously, what the f-bomb is Posada doing? I am wretching as I write this. He is not touching one Yankee knee but two. He manages to get a full-palm on Rivera and a light graze on Petite. What the hell is wrong with monkey-ears? What is going on Posada, were you so unloved as a child you think this is a hug, you dummy?

This is the worst photo is the world. This is like seeing a picture of Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Dick Cheney doing the hokey pokey.
 

Chan Ho Fart



Stankees relief pitcher explains his poopie situation. The guy says diarrhea so many times - it kills me. And whomever is giggling in the background, you are my new favorite Yankee. (But don't get too excited, even my favorite Yankees rank lower than Chan Ho Park's diarrhea.)

Yankees Swallow

Sam proposed an NCAA bracket this year. I joined despite the fact that I don't know squat about college hoops. (I follow baseball and football but that's all my brain can handle for sports, I need room for musical theater and gay people.)

My favorite thing about the bracket is that Sam, a HUGE Yankees fan, is surrounded by Yankees haters. That just kills me.  And congrats to "Yankees Swallow" for the win!

Getting in the mood for baseball



Thanks to Ray for getting me all fired up for baseball!

Farts Kill Me

Please watch this. A City Council meeting gets interfarted.



Via Dlisted

Sox Vs Red Sox

Today is the start of a four game Sox/Yankee series. I, in further proof I need loads of therapy, am engaged to a Yankee fan. Today there have been some truly toxic emails going back and forth between me, Sam and Matt Felix, a Sox fan.

Sam is from Indiana and the fact that he is a Yankees fan rightfully annoys Matt Felix. So Matt wrote Sam this email:

Sam,

If you don't identify w/ the Midwest,it should be a natural progression for you, as a man of fine tastes and good breeding, to embrace New England along with it's fine sports teams w/ their rich traditions. You are with a great gal who is born and bred. NY has no real unique culture aside from commerce and the various ethnic groups. CA is shallow and modern. Of the commonly recognized geographic regions of the United States, only New England offers a non-pathological culture that you can really sink your teeth into. It is the the land of wooden ships and iron men. It will never be too late to admit the mistake you made by becoming a Yankees, Lakers and Cowboys fan. And what an incredible gesture it would be to your special one as well as yourself. C'mon over from the Dark Side, Sam! We are all ready to welcome you into the NE sports family.

Your Friend,

Matt Felix





I couldn't agree more. Go SOX!!!

Non-Watchmen Penis Post

My friend Susan and I were watching "Make Me a Supermodel" when I paused my Tivo on this image


The penis is question is Gabriel. According to Bravo's website Gabriel "enjoys sports, including basketball, wakeboarding and football, plays the guitar, and loves to write. He works as a freelance photographer and enjoys traveling by himself."

Charming, although I have no idea what wakeboarding is. Come to think of it, you know who also enjoys traveling by themselves? Serial killers.

Who cares! He has a big penis!

Ebay Loves Gerald Ford

For some reason unkown to me, Ebay thinks I want an autographed Gerald Ford photo.


I don't know what is sadder, the unsolicited email or the fact that it is selling for less than ten dollars American.

NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn

I moved to the greater Los Angeles area in August and although it is quite lovely, I definitely miss New York. My friend and "Showgirls" co-conspirator, John Flynn has been sending me texts updating me on the going-ons of NYC.

Now this isn't the crap now one cares about: the leaves are changing or the Rockefeller Christmas tree went up. No, this is the real shit. The real NYC.

I now present the first, in what I hope to be a long series, of NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn:

"There is a Hispanic guy doing a one-armed handstand inches away from me on the subway. I may end up with a knee in the face."


Thank you John!!!

Wheee!

This kid in Indonesia says it best.

Gayer than Gay Sex



Wow. This is uncomfortable for so many reasons.
- Seeing A-Rod smile is like catching your parents doing it. Creepy.
- I thought it was a commercial about losers so why is Phelps in it?
- This is the type of thing that even gay people say is waaaaaay tooooo gaaaaaay!

Yikes.

Starting to Feel Bad for McCain

This made me DIE laughing. (From Bill Maher's show)



DIE DIE DIE
"Oh Grandpa" is now my new catch-phrase!

But now after this today (fast forward to :50)



I once saw my Dad throw up. Watching that makes me feel the same. Sort of shock, some amusement and a potent sense of my own mortality.