Sox Vs Red Sox

Today is the start of a four game Sox/Yankee series. I, in further proof I need loads of therapy, am engaged to a Yankee fan. Today there have been some truly toxic emails going back and forth between me, Sam and Matt Felix, a Sox fan.

Sam is from Indiana and the fact that he is a Yankees fan rightfully annoys Matt Felix. So Matt wrote Sam this email:

Sam,

If you don't identify w/ the Midwest,it should be a natural progression for you, as a man of fine tastes and good breeding, to embrace New England along with it's fine sports teams w/ their rich traditions. You are with a great gal who is born and bred. NY has no real unique culture aside from commerce and the various ethnic groups. CA is shallow and modern. Of the commonly recognized geographic regions of the United States, only New England offers a non-pathological culture that you can really sink your teeth into. It is the the land of wooden ships and iron men. It will never be too late to admit the mistake you made by becoming a Yankees, Lakers and Cowboys fan. And what an incredible gesture it would be to your special one as well as yourself. C'mon over from the Dark Side, Sam! We are all ready to welcome you into the NE sports family.

Your Friend,

Matt Felix

I couldn't agree more. Go SOX!!!

Non-Watchmen Penis Post

My friend Susan and I were watching "Make Me a Supermodel" when I paused my Tivo on this image


The penis is question is Gabriel. According to Bravo's website Gabriel "enjoys sports, including basketball, wakeboarding and football, plays the guitar, and loves to write. He works as a freelance photographer and enjoys traveling by himself."

Charming, although I have no idea what wakeboarding is. Come to think of it, you know who also enjoys traveling by themselves? Serial killers.

Who cares! He has a big penis!

Farts Kill Me

Please watch this. A City Council meeting gets interfarted.



Via Dlisted

Ebay Loves Gerald Ford

For some reason unkown to me, Ebay thinks I want an autographed Gerald Ford photo.


I don't know what is sadder, the unsolicited email or the fact that it is selling for less than ten dollars American.

NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn

I moved to the greater Los Angeles area in August and although it is quite lovely, I definitely miss New York. My friend and "Showgirls" co-conspirator, John Flynn has been sending me texts updating me on the going-ons of NYC.

Now this isn't the crap now one cares about: the leaves are changing or the Rockefeller Christmas tree went up. No, this is the real shit. The real NYC.

I now present the first, in what I hope to be a long series, of NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn:

"There is a Hispanic guy doing a one-armed handstand inches away from me on the subway. I may end up with a knee in the face."

Thank you John!!!

Wheee!

This kid in Indonesia says it best.

Gayer than Gay Sex

Wow. This is uncomfortable for so many reasons.
- Seeing A-Rod smile is like catching your parents doing it. Creepy.
- I thought it was a commercial about losers so why is Phelps in it?
- This is the type of thing that even gay people say is waaaaaay tooooo gaaaaaay!

Yikes.

Starting to Feel Bad for McCain

This made me DIE laughing. (From Bill Maher's show)



DIE DIE DIE
"Oh Grandpa" is now my new catch-phrase!

But now after this today (fast forward to :50)



I once saw my Dad throw up. Watching that makes me feel the same. Sort of shock, some amusement and a potent sense of my own mortality.

20 Second Movie Review: Flash of Genius

The always delightful Dennis Hensley took me to a screener of "Flash of Genius."

"FOG" is the true story of inventor and bad husband and father, Robert Kearns, who sued the Ford Motor company for stealing his invention for the intermittent windshield wipe.

My 20 second review:

"Flash of Genius" more like "Piece of Crap." I was rooting for Ford.

You can not enjoy the trailer here:

Existential bulimia

I had an unfortunate incident with a donut today. Actually three donuts.

You see, my friend Danielle left a box of donuts at my house. And to be fair I went over 24 hours without shoving my face in them. I picked at them, like a lady.

This afternoon I discovered that the glazed ones were really soft and fresh (unlike the chocolate covered ones that I had been picking at). So in a fit of heat induced hysteria, I devoured the outer shell of three glazed donuts. Really fast.

I took the rest of the donuts and the donut guts and ran water over them then threw them away. I am a hot mess.

I was told I have existential bulimia. I agree.

Woops! Update!

I have been gone from the blog for too long! In my defense I had to relocate to LA for a job and that took up a lot of my time. Wah wah poor me.

Here are a couple of pix that sum up my new LA experience. (Taken with my new iPhone. Jealous? No...oh you have one. Nevermind.)

I got a job doing a voice a new "Nick at Nite" cartoon. The show is really funny and I think it is going to be pretty awesome. This is my fancy-schmancy parking spot!



Wheee! I have made it.

Oh wait a minute, not so fast.



This is a pic of my new place in West Hollywood. A homeless man stores his cart, and apparently his toilet, in the bushes in the front yard.

Troy was here!

This is us at the NYC Transit Museum. We had a little accident!

Dialogues with Women

My good friend John Flynn is in San Francisco this weekend and sent me this flier for a workshop that could only occur in San Francisco (or perhaps part of the Berkshires).

Dialogues with Women

Relationships
Do we need them?
What is their function?

I can't believe the event is FREE!

Bye Bye LA!

Last night as I was driving home I decided I needed an iced-coffee. I stopped at the McDonalds drive-thru to get one (guess what? not a quality product) and I saw this image

A dude in a wheelchair.

Can you do that?

Ali Lohan: MILF

Ali Lohan is Lindsay Lohan's little sister. She is the 14 year-old spawn of Parents-of-the-Year Dina and Michael Lohan. I recently saw a picture of Ali Lohan that made my head spin.

This is a picture of a 14 year-old girl. Lemme write it one more time: she is 14 years old. Not 34 or 44. 14. There is no doubt that she is a beautiful girl. Those Lohans have some good genes. (Unfortunately the same genes that provide shiny hair, adorable freckles and sparkling eyes tend to like cocaine and driving while drunk.)

I just can't get over the fact that this kid is 14. She looks like she's twice divorced with a step-daughter. She looks like she should be leading a "Parents without Partners" meeting. She has the same intense eyes as someone who has battled a diet pill addiction. But how!?! She is 14 years-old.

There is no doubt in my mind that Ali Lohan, age 14, is hotter than I am at my current adult age. I have a lot of hot friends that have kids and Ali Lohan is more of a MILF than they are. But for the sake of a fair comparison, this is a picture of me when I was 14.

Note the lack of make-up or hair extensions. Note the side-ponytail (I did it myself). Note the braces and the pixelated Scotty dog sweater.
I agree, this is a pretty dorky picture that screams "future comedian. But shouldn't 14 year-old girls look more dorky than hot? I know I am being old-lady-no-fun for saying that, but a 14 year-old girl looking that smoking just doesn't seem natural. But then again I may just be jealous because Ali Lohan is way hotter than I am.

***

Also, Phil Jackson is a douche bag baby. I just had to say that. I would love for Boston to beat LA in four games just to see that fat face cry.

That is all.