I am not having a good week. And when I am not having a good week I lean towards the angry side of the street. I can’t wait to head to Massachusetts (the birthplace of racism, with a black governor for the first time ever) for some family time and turkey. Family for most people is stressful but for me it is calming. We have removed the deadbeat parents (bigamist father and court-happy bitchy stepmom). So it is just me and my sister and brother and their significant others and our neurosises (I know I spelled that wrong) – which are much easier to handle since we lubricate them with plenty of alcohol.
Yesterday I was eating some lunch in the city and I overheard a conversation with a man I hated. Hated. It was all I could do not to stab him in the face with a fork.
I was reading the paper when he sat down and ordered an ice-coffee and my Gaydar went off before I even raised my head. I peeked up to see if I was right and I was pretty sure I nailed it. I was pretty confident this man was gay. Then a young Asian woman came in the restaurant and he ushered her into her chair with a delicateness that made me wretch.
I know I thought this man was gay but I wasn't so far off...because are two types of men: the sycophantic dater and the guy obsessed with Asians. Both are a cousin to the gay man for different reasons. And this fellow was both.
The sycophantic dater is a weak man. He is annoying because he treats a woman like a doll or a baby instead of a woman. He speaks in baby talk. He is gross. He’s always cuddling and touching as if his date is made of sugar. This guy kept grabbing the leg of his lady friend…but he was grabbing it in a way one would grab a vase they knew was delicate but didn’t care if it broke. He must be a dream in the sack.
The Asian obsessive is a cousin of gay for obvious reasons. An Asian woman is as close as you can get to a boy without a weiner. My Dad was an Asian obsessive metrosexual (back in the 80s) so I always thought my Dad was a little gay. Which is probably the most flattering thing I can say about him.
But back to diner man. Some offenses he laid out while I ate my less than thrilling omelet:
On the Asian girls story about her roommate making noise at 4 am:
"Usually bizarre behavior in the middle of the night...I think drugs."
(Really, she got up to pee and bumped a table and now you’ve labeled her a meth-head…genius.)
On Asian lady compared to her fellow NYU bizness school students:
"Well you are a human being unlike them. You think and feel."
(I know these people are jack-off business school dinks, but I am pretty sure they aren’t Terry Schiavo.)
When Asian lass was done her meal and ready to leave:
"Are you ready? Are you sure? You want more Pepsi? You sure?”
I am serious. That woman better need a green-card. Or she is a fucking loser.