I know I'm commenting on the American Idol season finale rather late in the game, but I only saw it last night. I don’t watch AI which makes me feel rather indie but also sad that I can’t keep up with most conversations. When my friend, John Flynn described the finale as an un-ironic Donny and Marie Osmond show sans Donny and Marie I said please save it and I'm coming over toot sweet.
We had weed, we had sparking wine, we had snacks. We were ready. As John said, “They have 2 minutes worth of information they need to drag out over 2 hours.” The party has begun.
It became clear pretty early on that the producers were going for a monochromatic look. My friends John and Jeff said that this was part of a ploy to make Mandisa look bad. To be fair, no matter what you put Mandisa in, that girl is going to look bad. She’s pushing 300 pounds. She wouldn’t look good in a hotel. She can sing yes. But come on. Time for Jenny Craig. I’m not dissing fat people. She will die if she doesn’t lose weight. This isn’t vanity. Although a little vanity would help this one out.
The highlight for me was the fierceness of Mary J Blidge who clearly said, “It is a solo, Eliott can harmonize and dance in the corner ALMOST out of frame. I will show up. I will wear white and I will do some fucking damage. Then I will leave.” MJB made me proud to be a black woman (who happens to be white). Clay Aiken was brave to wear his Liza Minelli wig onstage immediately after his chemical peel and sing a love song to a Golum-Clay. Way to dispel those homo-rumors, Clay.
Katharine McPhee’s Mom trying to out-cleavage her 22 year-old daughter in a gross sparkly top that went to her navel. I love the classiness of Southern California moms. And this woman has weird boobs. They are so far off to the side they sort of meet in the back. Ewww.
Didn’t Toni Braxton look like an insane elf? Jeff had a theory that MJB trash-talked her right after her set. I hope so. Toni Braxton is fine and all. But she’s a little dull.
Rhonetta’s caesarean scar. I swear you could see it. That and her unfocused cursing made me proud to be a woman. Crazy Dave Hoover FALLING off the stage in an unplanned fit of excitement.
The whole show reminded me of my Junior Miss days when a group of 18 year-old girls would dance with umbrellas and raincoats singing a medley of “Singing in the Rain” and “It’s Raining Men.” My friend John worked at Hershey Park for a summer and kept exclaiming, “It’s a themepark show…that 36 million people are watching. Forget Will and Grace, the AI finales are the gayest thing on TV. Sorry Fab 5.
And of course this...I love America!
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