Me and the delightful Julie Klausner are shooting a hilarious short film and we need the use of a tween girl. We wouldn't need her for too long and the shooting dates are flexible.
Ideally we are looking for a Hispanic kid, biracial or Middle Eastern. Caucasian with dark hair could work too.
Ok if you have any leads please let me know at comedygenius at jackieclarke dot net
Yay and thanks!
New York Sightings/Special Skills
Ed Koch at the IFC Center. I was there to see "Inland Empire." (Go see it but nap during all the Polish parts...)
Ed was coming from one of the downstairs theatre and was being trailed by a woman pushing a wheelchair. I don't know if the woman was there for him - just in case he fell. I mean, Ed Koch is bat-shit crazy now.
I wish I knew the precise moment Ed Koch lost his mind. Remember a few years ago when he was boasting about NYC for the Republican Convention...I will never forget the image of him on TV yelling, "Staten Island has a gum museum!!!!" Unreal.
Incidentally I once met a legitimately crazy person who was an actor and one of his resume's Special Skills was "pushing a wheelchair." As soon as I read that I knew that crazy people are naturally gifted comedians. I also knew I needed to steal that skill for my acting resume. Please find below the special skills for my resume. I have had this list for about 5 years and no one has once commented.
"SPECIAL SKILLS: Handstands, Smiling, Improvisation, Characters, Pushing a Wheelchair, Good Attitude!, Laughing, Skills, Funny voices, Midwife"
Ed was coming from one of the downstairs theatre and was being trailed by a woman pushing a wheelchair. I don't know if the woman was there for him - just in case he fell. I mean, Ed Koch is bat-shit crazy now.
I wish I knew the precise moment Ed Koch lost his mind. Remember a few years ago when he was boasting about NYC for the Republican Convention...I will never forget the image of him on TV yelling, "Staten Island has a gum museum!!!!" Unreal.
Incidentally I once met a legitimately crazy person who was an actor and one of his resume's Special Skills was "pushing a wheelchair." As soon as I read that I knew that crazy people are naturally gifted comedians. I also knew I needed to steal that skill for my acting resume. Please find below the special skills for my resume. I have had this list for about 5 years and no one has once commented.
"SPECIAL SKILLS: Handstands, Smiling, Improvisation, Characters, Pushing a Wheelchair, Good Attitude!, Laughing, Skills, Funny voices, Midwife"
Cheer up Pats fans!
Ok. I have bad belly right now because the Patriots lost last night and I ate a sadness cheeseburger at 1 am. (Bad. Idea. Period.) The Pats blew an 18 point lead! What are we, the Red Sox?
I'm trying to cheer up a little because my team lost and I lost 2 shame bets...so I turned to the comforting arms of the internet and I was promptly rewarded.
This is to help the other Pats fans out there! Ways to cheer up in our Post-Patriots depression:
IGNORE IT
- Go to Boston.com...are they talking the Pats loss? Nope. In true New England style, they are pretending it didn't happen. The Sports front page features Parcells retiring and the upcoming Red Sox season. That is the best thing about the Northeast, we can repress anything! A sister's death, a Playoff game. We have that knack.
RELIVE SOMEONE ELSE'S WORSE FUCK-UP
- This is courtesy of Deadspin.com. A picture of the Tony Romo Play-off action figure.
Oooh I have a birthday coming up! Please someone buy that for me!
REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES
My friend Jessica sent me this YouTube video. I think we can all agree Brady is the man!
REMEMBER HOW LAME PEYTON MANNING IS
I hate Peyton Manning. My friend (Jessica again) has had a theory for a while that Peyton Manning is a tattle-tale and I couldn't agree more. He just has the lips of someone who corrects grammar and doesn't drink soda. This clip of him as a kid proves it right.
Have you ever seen a bigger asshole tattletale in your life? What a turd.
My brother alerted me to the existence of this evidence and I was talking to him about it last night. Then I realized that I hate Peyton Manning so much because he reminds me of ME as a kid. I was EXACTLY the same way. I would tattle on people for "looking at me wrong." My brother said, "Yeah I didn't want to say anything." Geoff let me take that journey on my own. Damn! I was a Peyton Manning kid. I also was adopted and my Mom died so I was a little hypersensitive. Cut me some slack. It still is fun to watch Peyton cry.
Just for the record. I do enjoy his Mastercard commercials.
GO GAY
Just bask in something 100% not football. Like this mash-up of Liza on Larry King courtesy of FourFour.
Pay careful attention to the around 1:07 when she nearly does a spit-take when a guy calls in and says he is a "musical theatre major." Oh and the cackles. They never get old.
If this doesn't cheer you up then you're allergic to fun!
I'm trying to cheer up a little because my team lost and I lost 2 shame bets...so I turned to the comforting arms of the internet and I was promptly rewarded.
This is to help the other Pats fans out there! Ways to cheer up in our Post-Patriots depression:
IGNORE IT
- Go to Boston.com...are they talking the Pats loss? Nope. In true New England style, they are pretending it didn't happen. The Sports front page features Parcells retiring and the upcoming Red Sox season. That is the best thing about the Northeast, we can repress anything! A sister's death, a Playoff game. We have that knack.
RELIVE SOMEONE ELSE'S WORSE FUCK-UP
- This is courtesy of Deadspin.com. A picture of the Tony Romo Play-off action figure.
Oooh I have a birthday coming up! Please someone buy that for me!
REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES
My friend Jessica sent me this YouTube video. I think we can all agree Brady is the man!
REMEMBER HOW LAME PEYTON MANNING IS
I hate Peyton Manning. My friend (Jessica again) has had a theory for a while that Peyton Manning is a tattle-tale and I couldn't agree more. He just has the lips of someone who corrects grammar and doesn't drink soda. This clip of him as a kid proves it right.
Have you ever seen a bigger asshole tattletale in your life? What a turd.
My brother alerted me to the existence of this evidence and I was talking to him about it last night. Then I realized that I hate Peyton Manning so much because he reminds me of ME as a kid. I was EXACTLY the same way. I would tattle on people for "looking at me wrong." My brother said, "Yeah I didn't want to say anything." Geoff let me take that journey on my own. Damn! I was a Peyton Manning kid. I also was adopted and my Mom died so I was a little hypersensitive. Cut me some slack. It still is fun to watch Peyton cry.
Just for the record. I do enjoy his Mastercard commercials.
GO GAY
Just bask in something 100% not football. Like this mash-up of Liza on Larry King courtesy of FourFour.
Pay careful attention to the around 1:07 when she nearly does a spit-take when a guy calls in and says he is a "musical theatre major." Oh and the cackles. They never get old.
If this doesn't cheer you up then you're allergic to fun!
Ooh! Shows! Fun!
Here are some fun and also hilarious shows you can see me in this Month!
- Death by Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family
Every Friday at 11 pm | $8 | UCB Theatre 307 W 26th St btw 8th and 9th
Take an improvised journey into your family's dysfunction...Did your Dad try to kill your Mom's boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Death By Roo Roo take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.
Tickets here
Visit us on Myspace
- Dirtiest Sketch Show in NYC
Saturday, January 20 at Midnight | UCB Theatre 307 W 26th St Btw 8th and 9th
Contestants in "THE DIRTIEST SKETCH IN NY" CONTEST are given a 3-minute time limit to perform sketches as filthy, dirty, outrageous, bizarre, surreal and crude as comically possible!
Tickets here
- Obsessed with Julie and Jackie
Sunday, January 21 at 7 pm | Mo Pitkins (upstairs) | 34 Ave A
Join comic geniuses Jackie Clarke (Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made, Ever!, Death By Roo-Roo, FREE-FM) and Julie Klausner (Hell House, Free To Be Friends, Cat News) as they host an evening based around the theme of obsession. Guests include writers, comedians, and actual loons (collectors, super-fans, aficionados and devotees of television actresses, novelty food, fan fiction, pop-topping, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and more), all of whom Julie and Jackie are totally obsessed with.
This Month's Guests: Janeane Garofalo, Seth Rudetsky & John Mulaney
Visit our new website
Buy tickets for the show
Visit our Myspace
- Death by Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family
Every Friday at 11 pm | $8 | UCB Theatre 307 W 26th St btw 8th and 9th
Take an improvised journey into your family's dysfunction...Did your Dad try to kill your Mom's boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Death By Roo Roo take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.
Tickets here
Visit us on Myspace
- Dirtiest Sketch Show in NYC
Saturday, January 20 at Midnight | UCB Theatre 307 W 26th St Btw 8th and 9th
Contestants in "THE DIRTIEST SKETCH IN NY" CONTEST are given a 3-minute time limit to perform sketches as filthy, dirty, outrageous, bizarre, surreal and crude as comically possible!
Tickets here
- Obsessed with Julie and Jackie
Sunday, January 21 at 7 pm | Mo Pitkins (upstairs) | 34 Ave A
Join comic geniuses Jackie Clarke (Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made, Ever!, Death By Roo-Roo, FREE-FM) and Julie Klausner (Hell House, Free To Be Friends, Cat News) as they host an evening based around the theme of obsession. Guests include writers, comedians, and actual loons (collectors, super-fans, aficionados and devotees of television actresses, novelty food, fan fiction, pop-topping, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and more), all of whom Julie and Jackie are totally obsessed with.
This Month's Guests: Janeane Garofalo, Seth Rudetsky & John Mulaney
Visit our new website
Buy tickets for the show
Visit our Myspace
Subway...argh
Travelling like a common person on the subway is mondo efficient but can be a little gross. Like today. The woman to my left was applying a full-face of Bobbi Brown make-up. And the woman to my right was eating creamed corn with a plastic spoon out of a tupperware container.
Ew.
Somehow the combination of sloppy make-up application and the smell of the scummiest food on earth made me feel very tiny.
Mystery of People Magazine
People Magazine started arriving in my mail. I did not subscribe to People Magazine but there it was in my mailbox next to my New Yorker, Entertainment Weekly and unpaid ConEd bill.
My first issue had Oprah on the cover and I couldn't have cared less about it if I was a heterosexual male. Next issue was a bunch of regular people who lost a ton of weight. This captured my interest for half a train ride. I like looking at pictures of fat people. Especially fat people who have new slim bodies. 'Cause you can try to see if you can see the skinny person in the fat person. A lot of times you can't. It is amazing how some serious morbid obesity can mask cheekbones and pretty eyes.
But still I wasn't psyched about getting People Magazine. It made me feel like a dentist. There is something a little low-class and also suburban about People Magazine. I know it's because my stepmother would buy People Magazine. (For those keeping count ShrimpTemPura, the
mail-order witch that sued me and my siblings-Shrimp.) Shrimp TemPura she would OBSESS over the crossword. It would make me sick. She wouldn't let anyone touch it and it would take her forever to finish it. Then she would finally be done and she'd act like she completed the human genome. When in really she just figured out that Edward James Olmos is the pockmarked Hispanic actor.
The People Magazine crossword puzzle is fine if you're mildly retarded or recovering from a stroke. But if you're a sentiment being (or wish to be regarded as one) don't consider the People Magazine Crossword puzzle a challenge. (1 Across...Host of the Daily Show Jon ______ also uber-homemaker Martha ______ hint...Stewart)
So that is the basis for my unwarranted hatred of my subscription for People Magazine. It was as if the ghost of the Postmaster General was mocking me. But a letter in the mail explained the mystery. I was a subscriber to Teen People (don't ask...I don't have an answer besides
the fact that there is a lot wrong with me especially in regards to me constantly trying to "do over" my childhood). But Teen People folded. (I didn't notice.) Time Warner, in an effort to mitigate the sadness that caused, decided to send me People Magazine as a replacement. I
think that's great. It's as if a guy you didn't really like dating sent you a more frequent and expensive date who disappointed you in different ways.
But I'm starting to get behind People Magazine. This week they covered a dead pregnant lady in North Carolina and a profoundly disabled young girl who had her female reproductive organs removed as per her parents request.
These are MY People.
My first issue had Oprah on the cover and I couldn't have cared less about it if I was a heterosexual male. Next issue was a bunch of regular people who lost a ton of weight. This captured my interest for half a train ride. I like looking at pictures of fat people. Especially fat people who have new slim bodies. 'Cause you can try to see if you can see the skinny person in the fat person. A lot of times you can't. It is amazing how some serious morbid obesity can mask cheekbones and pretty eyes.
But still I wasn't psyched about getting People Magazine. It made me feel like a dentist. There is something a little low-class and also suburban about People Magazine. I know it's because my stepmother would buy People Magazine. (For those keeping count ShrimpTemPura, the
mail-order witch that sued me and my siblings-Shrimp.) Shrimp TemPura she would OBSESS over the crossword. It would make me sick. She wouldn't let anyone touch it and it would take her forever to finish it. Then she would finally be done and she'd act like she completed the human genome. When in really she just figured out that Edward James Olmos is the pockmarked Hispanic actor.
The People Magazine crossword puzzle is fine if you're mildly retarded or recovering from a stroke. But if you're a sentiment being (or wish to be regarded as one) don't consider the People Magazine Crossword puzzle a challenge. (1 Across...Host of the Daily Show Jon ______ also uber-homemaker Martha ______ hint...Stewart)
So that is the basis for my unwarranted hatred of my subscription for People Magazine. It was as if the ghost of the Postmaster General was mocking me. But a letter in the mail explained the mystery. I was a subscriber to Teen People (don't ask...I don't have an answer besides
the fact that there is a lot wrong with me especially in regards to me constantly trying to "do over" my childhood). But Teen People folded. (I didn't notice.) Time Warner, in an effort to mitigate the sadness that caused, decided to send me People Magazine as a replacement. I
think that's great. It's as if a guy you didn't really like dating sent you a more frequent and expensive date who disappointed you in different ways.
But I'm starting to get behind People Magazine. This week they covered a dead pregnant lady in North Carolina and a profoundly disabled young girl who had her female reproductive organs removed as per her parents request.
These are MY People.
My nephew's break-up face
When I was home for Christmas my nephew did his impression of what a bad break-up looks like. I was so impressed I created this animated GIF to show his story. In pictures. (You need to click on the pic to see the animation...)
Fuck, I need a job.
DHL = Kid Touchers
My phone was stolen on New Years. And in the continuation of this drama, DHL has lost my phone.
When I inquired how a package could be lost in a warehouse, the delightfully curt DHL representative Barbara (such an ex-wife name) told me, "Do you know how many packages we have here?"
To which I replied, "Isn't that your job...to deliver packages?" And she promptly hung up on me.
This is what I wished I had said to the question, "Do you know how many packages we have here?"
- Not as many as FedEx?
- 14, no...12...no...25...wait LET ME GUESS!?!
- Why does DHL condone child molestation?
DHL has been a bunch of real dicks and jerks. But apparently they have removed their heads from their asses long enough to deliver my phone! Whoa! I go pick it up later today.
When I inquired how a package could be lost in a warehouse, the delightfully curt DHL representative Barbara (such an ex-wife name) told me, "Do you know how many packages we have here?"
To which I replied, "Isn't that your job...to deliver packages?" And she promptly hung up on me.
This is what I wished I had said to the question, "Do you know how many packages we have here?"
- Not as many as FedEx?
- 14, no...12...no...25...wait LET ME GUESS!?!
- Why does DHL condone child molestation?
DHL has been a bunch of real dicks and jerks. But apparently they have removed their heads from their asses long enough to deliver my phone! Whoa! I go pick it up later today.
Me as Demi Moore!
I did a Claymation show for VH1 a while back that E! bought called "Starveillance." In this episode I am the voice of Demi Moore. The delightful Paul Scheer and Curtis Gwinn are also in this.
Enjoy!
I have also posted some new graffiti!
I wish I could stop shitting blood...
My friend Tarvis emailed me this AM with the following picture and the note "I saw this and thought of you..."
Of course, I loved it. This is hilarious in a way I truly adore. The crossed arms, the catatonic eyes, the purple suit, the helmet hair, the wish we all have - to stop shitting blood. Truly amazing.
Danka Tarvis.
Another thank you to my sister and my nephew for purchasing my favorite Christmas gift: a wind-up penguin that poops out candy.
Of course, I loved it. This is hilarious in a way I truly adore. The crossed arms, the catatonic eyes, the purple suit, the helmet hair, the wish we all have - to stop shitting blood. Truly amazing.Danka Tarvis.
Another thank you to my sister and my nephew for purchasing my favorite Christmas gift: a wind-up penguin that poops out candy.
New Words
I love discovering new ways to use the ENGLISH LANGUAGE. So I have compiled a few new words and phrases I would like people to be aware of. Feel free to add your own.
Isn't sharing fun?
ROCKY BALBOA:
Definition: When you think something is going to stink on ice and then it is really good (like the movie Rocky Balboa).
Use in a sentence: Man, I thought that New Party was gonna blow but it was a total Rocky Balboa.
THIGH ARMS
Definition: When a woman's arms are so big they look like thighs.
Use in a sentence: Shit, Trisha Yearwood should not be wearing a strapless dress, she has thigh arms.
TV WALLPAPER
Definition: TV you don't want to sit down and watch but it is fine to have on in the background..
Use in a sentence: Man, Real World Denver, CNN, NY1 and anything on VH1 makes such good TV Wallpaper.
Isn't sharing fun?
ROCKY BALBOA:
Definition: When you think something is going to stink on ice and then it is really good (like the movie Rocky Balboa).
Use in a sentence: Man, I thought that New Party was gonna blow but it was a total Rocky Balboa.
THIGH ARMS
Definition: When a woman's arms are so big they look like thighs.
Use in a sentence: Shit, Trisha Yearwood should not be wearing a strapless dress, she has thigh arms.
TV WALLPAPER
Definition: TV you don't want to sit down and watch but it is fine to have on in the background..
Use in a sentence: Man, Real World Denver, CNN, NY1 and anything on VH1 makes such good TV Wallpaper.
Open letter to the dink who stole my Sidekick 3 on New Years Eve!
Dear Asshole,
You are a terrible thief.
Yes, you stole my Sidekick 3 with my new pink cover that my sister's boyfriend, Ray got me for Jesus's birthday. I will give you that. But there was so much more in my bag you could have taken if you had just spent a little more time rifling and a little less time getting excited over my hot Sidekick 3. For example there was a butt load* of LOOSE CASH just hanging out at the bottom of my bag waiting to be stolen. Who doesn't love cash? You can spend it anywhere. I mean the first rule of thieving is - take the cash. God, you are stupid. There was also my debit card and my licence. Why didn't you steal my identity? That is just lazy thieving.
But the piece de resistance had to be the large Ziploc bag filled with weed and mushrooms that you simply ignored. If the first rule of thieving is cash the second has to be drugs. How does one NOT take a bag filled with free drugs? I mean the bag was clearly filled with drugs. It's not like I'm wandering around a basement party in Chelsea on New Years Eve with a bag of portobellos. I'm not Rachel Ray.
So here's to you, asshole. I hope you contract adult diabetes. You're a dink and a jerk. And a shitty thief.
Love,
Jackie Clarke
* Butt load of LOOSE CASH = Appx $55
You are a terrible thief.
Yes, you stole my Sidekick 3 with my new pink cover that my sister's boyfriend, Ray got me for Jesus's birthday. I will give you that. But there was so much more in my bag you could have taken if you had just spent a little more time rifling and a little less time getting excited over my hot Sidekick 3. For example there was a butt load* of LOOSE CASH just hanging out at the bottom of my bag waiting to be stolen. Who doesn't love cash? You can spend it anywhere. I mean the first rule of thieving is - take the cash. God, you are stupid. There was also my debit card and my licence. Why didn't you steal my identity? That is just lazy thieving.
But the piece de resistance had to be the large Ziploc bag filled with weed and mushrooms that you simply ignored. If the first rule of thieving is cash the second has to be drugs. How does one NOT take a bag filled with free drugs? I mean the bag was clearly filled with drugs. It's not like I'm wandering around a basement party in Chelsea on New Years Eve with a bag of portobellos. I'm not Rachel Ray.
So here's to you, asshole. I hope you contract adult diabetes. You're a dink and a jerk. And a shitty thief.
Love,
Jackie Clarke
* Butt load of LOOSE CASH = Appx $55
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