Bye Bye LA!

Last night as I was driving home I decided I needed an iced-coffee. I stopped at the McDonalds drive-thru to get one (guess what? not a quality product) and I saw this image

A dude in a wheelchair.

Can you do that?

Ali Lohan: MILF

Ali Lohan is Lindsay Lohan's little sister. She is the 14 year-old spawn of Parents-of-the-Year Dina and Michael Lohan. I recently saw a picture of Ali Lohan that made my head spin.

This is a picture of a 14 year-old girl. Lemme write it one more time: she is 14 years old. Not 34 or 44. 14. There is no doubt that she is a beautiful girl. Those Lohans have some good genes. (Unfortunately the same genes that provide shiny hair, adorable freckles and sparkling eyes tend to like cocaine and driving while drunk.)
I just can't get over the fact that this kid is 14. She looks like she's twice divorced with a step-daughter. She looks like she should be leading a "Parents without Partners" meeting. She has the same intense eyes as someone who has battled a diet pill addiction. But how!?! She is 14 years-old.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ali Lohan, age 14, is hotter than I am at my current adult age. I have a lot of hot friends that have kids and Ali Lohan is more of a MILF than they are. But for the sake of a fair comparison, this is a picture of me when I was 14.
Note the lack of make-up or hair extensions. Note the side-ponytail (I did it myself). Note the braces and the pixelated Scotty dog sweater.
I agree, this is a pretty dorky picture that screams "future comedian." But shouldn't 14 year-old girls look more dorky than hot? I know I am being old-lady-no-fun for saying that, but a 14 year-old girl looking that smoking just doesn't seem natural. But then again I may just be jealous because Ali Lohan is way hotter than I am.
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Also, Phil Jackson is a douche bag baby. I just had to say that. I would love for Boston to beat LA in four games just to see that fat face cry.
That is all.

Wayne Newton Mouth

This week I am blogging over at Funny or Die. So I am going to be posting my FOD blogs here as well.
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One of the things I have noticed since I have been in LA is an occurrence I am calling "Wayne Newton Mouth." Wayne Newton Mouth or WNM is when a person has plastic surgery on their face and end up with Wayne Newton's mouth. I noticed it on a woman at the gym, it was on the guy with the camouflage pants and "Just for Men" dyed hair biking at the Grove. I think everyone who gets plastic surgery gets the same mouth. Don't believe me? Let's take a peek.

This is Wayne Newton

Look at his mouth. I have seen clowns at children's parties with a less creepy mouth. (Obviously there is a lot wrong with the Wayne Newton photo: the make-up, the eyes so tight he looks like he's impersonating Renee Zellweger, the Mystic Tan, the old-man chest hair, but today we are focusing on just the mouth.)

Meg Ryan has Wayne Newton Mouth.

And she has some weird boobs. It is as if she asked for a mid-belly boob job. "I want HUGE boobs, hovering over my belly button."

Jocelyn Wildenstein has a horrifying example of WNM. Jesus, that woman is scarier than the "Hostel" movies.

How do you think me and my daughter look with Wayne Newton mouth?

Pretty hot.

LA Update: Colon Cleanse

While I am in LA, I am staying with my good friend Seth. He's hilarious and a great friend. But he's the kind of guy who's on MySpace, not Facebook. So he's got some problems.

Trying to be a good roomie, I did a little grocery shopping. I went to Trader Joe's which may possibly be the high-light of my trip. I am not saying that to dis LA. My experience at Trader Joe's was Zen-like. The one on 14th St in Manhattan is insane 24/7. I have only been once, on a Tuesday at 2pm, and the line was snaking to the door. Complete nightmare.

To tell the rest of the story there is not way around this fact: I like a lot of fiber in my diet. I take psyllium husk caps. They keep things moving if you know what I mean (poop).

I had to buy some in LA and I figured hippie-dippie Trader Joes would have them. They didn't have straight psyllium husk but they had something called "Colon Cleanse" and I figured that's close enough.

I come home later that night to find my "Colon Cleanse" defaced by Seth.

A note with a question mark. (Note the bottle of "Colon Cleanse" with a drawing of one's colon. And note the lovely LA light.)

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

This note has some problems.

The Highlighter. Seth couldn't grab a pen? People who write with highlighters are telling themselves "I am not worth it."

The Handwriting: I know the standard thing to say with creepy handwriting is "looks like a serial killer." But this really does look like a serial killer. I thought to prove the point I would show you an example of the Unabomber's handwriting.


I actually think the Unabomber's handwriting is neater that Seth's. Yikes.

In conclusion, yes I buy pills to help me digest my food but Seth is a green-highlighter Unabomber. Which would you rather be?

Showgirls in LA!

Please come to this very funny show!

Join Mr. "Joe Eszterhas" as he is interviewed by Glendale Community College's gender and film historian, Jackie Clarke. And, under the direction of John Flynn, (Cama-little, Almost Streisand: The Lanie Kazan Story) scenes from "Showgirls" will come alive onstage.

It's half staged reading, half "Inside the Actor's Studio," and half female empowerment, Eszterhas style.

SHOWGIRLS: THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. EVER!
4 NIGHTS ONLY
Thurs. June 5th at 9:30pm | $5 - Special guest Rob Corddry
Thurs. June 12th at 9:30pm | $5
Friday June 20th at 8pm | $8
Friday June 27th at 8pm | $8

UCB Los Angeles
5919 Franklin Ave (btw Tamarind & North Bronson)
323-908-8702 | tickets here

Read Nomi Malone's blog here!